Forward Biased (Less-than-current Events)

...But what about the Neo/PaleoCons?

A fellow named Donald J. Hagen is building a "conservatively slanted" website over at Geocities, and his first project seems to be a satirical "personality quiz" to see whether you are a conservative (CONS), a liberal (LIBL), a libertarian (LBRT), or a communist (COMM).

Some of the questions/answers are pretty funny, some of them fall just a bit flat, and some of them seem to miss the point—but overall, I'd say he's made a fine first effort.

There's no javascript or conclusion, and no radio buttons to keep score.  You simply read it for entertainment purposes.

But, my gosh—there are 179 questions.  No, I didn't read them all, but at least you can't say that, like most internet personality quizzes, it's "not detailed enough to be useful."  And it's worth mentioning that, despite his own conservative perspective, he's willing to lampoon his own side occasionally as well.

A few examples:

7:  The Center for Public-Health Dietary Self Control releases a study that says eating just one jelly donut is as harmful to human health as smoking 10,000,000 cartons of cigarettes.  Do you...

• CONS: keep eating jelly donuts.
• LIBL: demand that jelly donuts be removed from vending machines, and public school cafeterias.
• LBRT: hoard jelly donuts before they are regulated off grocer's shelves.
• COMM: hoard jelly donuts so you can sell them on the black market.

8:  The proper response for jelly donut manufactures regarding the public's concerns over jelly donut's deleterious health effects is to...

• CONS: hold a televised press conference, wherein the manufacturers eat jelly donuts, and feed them to their children.
• LIBL: institute a nationwide jelly donut recall.
• LBRT: let any consumers worried about eating jelly donuts simply stop eating them.
• COMM: give total control of jelly donut manufacturing to the government.

20:  What's the best way to stop people from illegally crossing our borders?

• CONS:   Seal the borders so no one can get in.
• LIBL:     Do nothing to beef up security at the borders, and offer illegal aliens a wide array of free services.
• LBRT:    Allow unrestricted passage across the borders.
• COMM: Seal the borders so no one can get out.

Read the whole thing.  No, wait...

Pardon me, please...

...and permit me to brag on New World Man just a bit more.  He also exhibits an annoying talent for satire:  W stands for Whitewash!

Knight Ridder busts Bush re: the foiled 2002 L.A. terror plot:

The timing of his chilling disclosures, four years after the plot was discovered and four months after he first discussed the broad outlines of the scheme, raised suspicion that his remarks were politically motivated. At the moment that Bush was defending his aggressive approach to terrorism, two of his top advisers were trying to quell a revolt in Congress against his domestic eavesdropping program.

It's worse than that: Bush also spoke four weeks after the conclusion of the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Samuel A. Alito's nomination to the Supreme Court and four days after the Pittsburgh Steelers won Super Bowl XL. His disclosure of the foiled plot comes as Washington is still digesting a hard-hitting and controversial GAO report about using mandatory budget triggers to constrain spending growth.

Alert readers will note that this business about timing his disclosures and speeches is an insidious pattern with this president.

Critics noted that when the President spoke at the funeral for Coretta Scott King Tuesday he did so exactly one week after Mrs. King died.

The President's speech at New Birth Missionary Church in Atlanta seemed timed to coincide with the appearance of some 10,000 mourners paying their respects to Mrs. King. Democrats questioned why Bush did not produce an impromptu eulogy for whoever happened to be present the moment he heard about the civil rights icon's death. "Clearly, he had to have his communications staff research Mrs. King, then devise a strategy about what to say and how to say it," one Senate staffer chided. "Plus it seems like he wanted as large an audience as possible."

I knew there was something suspicious about that funeral.  Besides Jimmy Carter acting like an ass, I mean.  Which, come to think of it, isn't suspicious at all.

Strange meteorological phenomenon disrupts life in Upstate SC

GREENVILLE, SC - AP (Asocialated Press) There is a bizarre meteorological phenomenon occurring in Upstate SC right now, and it has local experts stumped.  No one can remember this kind of thing ever happening before.

Droplets of what appear to be concentrated Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO), a corrosive and toxic substance, are inexplicably falling from the sky.  In addition, the sky itself has turned a strange, homogenous grey color with no apparent explanation, blocking residents' view of the sun and stars.

Experts have warned Upstate SC residents to avoid direct contact with the concentrated DHMO falling outside.  This chemical is known to play a significant role in the formation of all forms of cancer, and "is a constituent of many known toxic substances, diseases and disease-causing agents, environmental hazards and can even be lethal to humans in quantities as small as a thimbleful."

From the DHMO site:

Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) is a colorless and odorless chemical compound, also referred to by some as Dihydrogen Oxide, Hydrogen Hydroxide, Hydronium Hydroxide, or simply Hydric acid. Its basis is the unstable radical Hydroxide, the components of which are found in a number of caustic, explosive and poisonous compounds such as Sulfuric Acid, Nitroglycerine and Ethyl Alcohol.

Why this substance is falling from the strangely-discolored sky is still a mystery, as is why the substance is in such concentrated form.

A 107-year-old resident of the local Northside Nursing Home and WWI veteran says that he remembers his great-great-grandfather telling him about a similar phenomenon that occurred during the Civil War.

"I kin remember sittin' on Pawpaw's knee whilst he told me all about it," said Northside resident Homer Bunts.  "Peoples was a-runnin' this way an' that, slippin' and fallin' 'cause it would dissolve the ground right from under they feets," he said.

"He seed it hisself way back in the War of Northern Aggression," said Bunts, who added that he never witnessed the phenomenon hisself himself.

Local experts on intermittent DHMO phenomena such as this, sometimes arcanely referred to as "precipitation," say that the substance will continue to fall off and on for the next couple of days, causing life in the Upstate to be seriously disrupted.

Residents have been advised not to venture outside without a device that blocks the substance from directly impacting the skin, consisting of a vertical handle with an umbrella-shaped structure attached at the top.  This ingenious design allows DHMO to impact the umbrella-shaped structure directly, then be deflected to the sides before being allowed to fall harmlessly to the ground.  Special polymer slip-covers that prevent the chemical from soaking into shoes are also recommended.

Of course, these devices are now in short supply.  The Federal Government is investigating reports of price-gouging, as residents have been known to pay up to $34.99 for these umbrella-shaped devices with a popular local college football team's logo imprinted on the upper structure.

Experts say they aren't certain how much longer DHMO will continue to rain down upon Upstate residents, but say that "with any luck, in a couple of days we will be back to normal dry weather."

Miers nomination update

Heh.  Via Bill Quick, a short video clip:  is the "Conservative Ice Age" upon us?

And, as a bonus, you get this handy, free Miers Debate Cheat Sheet!  While supplies last—not sold in stores!

Anger At Government Grows In Bombings' Wake

September 8, 1940

LONDON (Routers) The new government of Winston Churchill, in office for a few scant months, came under fire today, after the seemingly senseless destruction of property and lives in the city by German bombers yesterday. Many are blaming the new Prime Minister for the bombings, which they view as a result of his stubborn support of an illegal war against Vichy France, and inappropriately aggressive policies against the misunderstood Germans.

"Under Chamberlain," said one Labour backbencher, "we had peace for our time."

"Now," he went on, "under this new brutal and dictatorial Tory rule, Churchill, along with his poodle Franklin "Delanodamngood" Roosevelt, has brought this wretched war home to Whitehall itself, and ordinary Londoners."

There's lots more--read it all.  Satire frequently makes the point better than anything else, and Rand Simberg does it well.

Read the comments too.