Forward Biased (Less-than-current Events)

Geoffrey Chaucer hath a blogge!

Also via GeekPress, we discover the Literarye Finde of ye Centurye:  Geoffrey Chaucer is blogging.

For example, he waxes poetic on his discovery of internet abbreviations:

Oh newfanglenesse! Y have learned the privitees of the manye abbreviaciouns ywritten on the internette. OMG: "oh mine ++DOMINUS++". ROFL: "rollinge on the floore laughinge". IRL: "in reale lyfe." WTF: "whatte the swyve?"

Beinge somethinge of an innovator myselfe, Y presente to yow, churles and gentils alle, the followynge abbreviaciouns. May they serven yow welle in your internette communicacioun:

GP: gentil person

WC: woole customes

XC: Exchequer

BATJG: biggere arsehole thanne john gowere

BSL!: by seinte loy!

OTPBRB: Offe to parliamente, be ryghte back

KRBMA: Kynge Richarde II buggynge me againe

AOMSHJDOTBD: anothere of myne servauntes hath just dyede of the blacke death

EISBYMIWATCHDNSTHD: eftsoon I shall be ycleped mad if worke atte the customes house doth not settle the helle downe

Even funnier is his list of the top ten internet searches on his network.

Fair warning

Heh.

(Via Steel Turman, needless to say.)

Hoth in 2014!

Iggy at The Wade Blogs (a few NSFW images on that site) is promoting the ice planet Hoth for the 2014 Winter Olympics.  Yes, he has a petition you can sign (over 940 signatures thus far) which will actually be sent to the IOC, the NBC network, Darth Vader, and Yoda. 

I am, as I'm sure you can tell, highly offended that he omitted me from that list.  But of course I signed the petition.

A short Flash program at HOTH2014.COM explains why Hoth is such an excellent choice to host the games, and includes proposed athletic events (snowspeeder races, avoid Wampa dismemberment, Imperial Walker grappling, that sort of thing) and a short list of Star Wars character/real-life athlete lookalike/actalikes (Johnny Weir and C3PO, for example).

Proposed mascots include an intestine-trailing Tauntaun named "Gutsy" and a one-armed Wampa called "Lefty." 

The one thing wrong with this site is that it mentions Michelle Kwan and Bode Miller, not only in the same sentence, but enclosed in the same parentheses as if they were somehow equivalent.  Shame!

Next, we need to promote Tatooine for the Summer games...

"Islam iz da bomb!"

David Gilles at Daily Pundit is thinking about having some t-shirts printed up.

At this point, read my last post, if you haven't already.

Read it?  Ok.  Here's the screen art for the t-shirts:

I want one, even though I am yet again quite miffed that I didn't think of it first. 

What was that, from the back?  Heck yeah, I'm gonna wear it in public!  What did you think?

Why they all stay on the plantation

In the children's book Why Mommy is a Democrat, we see a few examples of why we're glad that we aren't.  Democrats, I mean.  You know.

Here are three sample pages from inside the book that illustrate perfectly what I'm talking about.

Evidently Democrats don't know that it takes eight letters to spell "Democrat."

Yup, you got it—Democrats treat us all like we're still children who need their loving care to stay "safe."

Wonder why it costs $160,000 to go to this school?  You get one guess (and they still don't know how to spell...)

They make this stuff way too easy.

UPDATE:  Look at the creepy ears on these weird alien-looking squirrel-things.  Could it be that this is where "pointy-haired bosses™" come from?

RE-UPCHUCKUPDATE:  You did notice the common last line in each page's text, right?  The line that so perfectly expresses the self-image of the leftist nanny-statist, and should make every self-respecting American over eight years old run for his life?

Democrats do things for you...just like Mommy does.

That says volumes, folks. 

Trouble is, that's exactly what tens of millions of Americans (not so much of the self-respecting variety) want and vote for every chance they get, and their ostensible "representatives" are more than happy to give it to them in spades, buying their votes, ovation, even their very dignity and self-satisfaction with the money they've stolen taken from all of those who have learned that they are the masters of their own futures and abundance.

(Thanks again to Greyhawk for the Open Post!)

Another good use for Photoshop

Board member "MackJ" on a web forum called Truth and Beauty Bombs has a hypothesis.

I don't think I'm the only person to think this up, but I hypothesize that if you remove all the text of Garfield's speech, or thoughts, or whatever that is, that it become an oddly surrealist comic.

To prove it I submit some examples.

He proceeds to demonstrate the validity of his hypothesis with several examples, including this one:

You know, he has a point.

(Hat tip to previously-unknown blogger McGehee of Yippee-Ki-Yay!)

"Deer Lord..."

Via Ralph Bristol, we have a short AP story that needs little comment from me.

Deer Hunt On Church Grounds Shocks Parishioners

GERMANTOWN, Md. -- Some members of a Maryland church are dismayed that hunters were allowed to shoot some of the deer that roamed the property.

On Monday, hunters used shotguns to kill deer that were stripping vegetation from the Dayspring Church's 206-acre property in Germantown.

Dayspring is part of the nondenominational Christian Church of the Saviour, whose 10 congregations are known for their commitment to the environment and opposition to war.

One member objected that culling the deer was an act of violence on holy ground.

But Dayspring's pastor, the Rev. Jim Hall, said officials estimate the number of deer in the area at about 200 per acre -- so many that the habitat for other animals was being damaged.

During the hunt, church administrator Andrea Burgard said she and two other employees held a silent prayer for the deer, because the animals were "part of our church community."

There's got to be a Dick Cheney joke in there somewhere, but I haven't thought of it.

We engineers look at an idea...

...and ask, how will it work?

The accountant looks at it and asks, "How much will it cost?"

The businessman looks at it and asks, "How can we sell it?"

The liberal arts grad looks at it and asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

In the spirit of that (very old) joke, and in the True Spirit of Christmas the Holidays ChristmaHannuKwaanzaKah um, whatever¹, I give you The Carol of the Burger Flippers, or as it is more commonly googled, "Ding Fries Are Done!"  (From American Angst: readers cautioned—not exactly a profanity-free zone.  But laugh-out-loud funny.)

I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers
I wear paper hats
Would you like an apple pie with tha-at?
Would you like an apple pie with tha-at?

Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done

I gotta run
I gotta run
I gotta run
I gotta run

Don't bob for fries in hot fat
it really hurts bad
and so do skin grafts
Would you like an apple pie with tha-at?
Would you like an apple pie with tha-at?

Where is the bell?
Wait for the bell
Can't hear the bell
Where is the bell?

Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done

I work at Burger King making flame broiled whoppers
I wear paper hats
Would you like an apple pie with tha-at?
Would you like an apple pie with tha-at?

Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Ding fries are done
Diiiing...friiiiies...aaaaare...dooooooone

[Bonnnnggg!]

¹Now, don't get all worried about us.  We celebrate Christmas unashamedly around here, sometimes for months at a stretch.  But there are very few subjects I take so dang seriously that I can't crack an occasional joke about them.

The Dilbert Blog

One of the express purposes of the Weblog Awards is to promote and expose people to new weblogs they may not have otherwise been made aware of.  And yes, I have been made aware of several "new" blogs in just that fashion.

One of these is The Dilbert Blog.  Besides being simply funny, this is where Scott Adams expounds his Two-of-Six Rule of Humor, among other things, such as this:

Today my wallet was stolen for the 400th time, and frankly I’m sick of it. I don’t know what bothers me more – the crime or the fact that the thief always sneaks back into my home an hour later and puts the wallet back in a hard-to-find place such as the top of my dresser.

There’s never anything missing from the wallet, so I know the thief isn’t especially good at his job. It might be the same idiot who keeps stealing my car every time I park it at the airport. He always refills the gas tank and parks it somewhere in the general vicinity of where I know I left it, but still it’s rude and unsettling.

...The worst of the home invading pranksters is the one who keeps screwing with my laundry. It’s always the same stupid trick and I am not amused. It works like this: I return to my closet with a warm basket of freshly laundered clothes, only to notice one sock on the floor halfway between the clean laundry in my arms and the hamper from whence it came. Now I have to ask myself, is that a clean sock that just now fell from my basket, or is it a dirty sock that fell an hour ago when I was taking the dirty stuff from the hamper?

I know the prankster is hiding somewhere in the closet, watching as I inspect the sock, checking for radiant heat, flexibility and freshness. I sniff it, give it the dangle test (to see if it is still shaped like a foot) and then make my decision. I’m never entirely comfortable that I made the right one. That’s why I often walk with a slight limp, just so I don’t spend so much time putting weight on what might be a dirty sock.

What's truly amazing is that there is a similar thief who has been tormenting me for years.  What a coincidence.  He must be, like, the "Brilliant Writers' Thief" or something.  Yeah.

Dedicated to Rob

Just takin' a break from the debate, and looking at the lighter side...

(Chris Muir's Day by Day)