Strange meteorological phenomenon disrupts life in Upstate SC
GREENVILLE, SC - AP (Asocialated Press) There is a bizarre meteorological phenomenon occurring in Upstate SC right now, and it has local experts stumped. No one can remember this kind of thing ever happening before.
Droplets of what appear to be concentrated Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO), a corrosive and toxic substance, are inexplicably falling from the sky. In addition, the sky itself has turned a strange, homogenous grey color with no apparent explanation, blocking residents' view of the sun and stars.
Experts have warned Upstate SC residents to avoid direct contact with the concentrated DHMO falling outside. This chemical is known to play a significant role in the formation of all forms of cancer, and "is a constituent of many known toxic substances, diseases and disease-causing agents, environmental hazards and can even be lethal to humans in quantities as small as a thimbleful."
From the DHMO site:
Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) is a colorless and odorless chemical compound, also referred to by some as Dihydrogen Oxide, Hydrogen Hydroxide, Hydronium Hydroxide, or simply Hydric acid. Its basis is the unstable radical Hydroxide, the components of which are found in a number of caustic, explosive and poisonous compounds such as Sulfuric Acid, Nitroglycerine and Ethyl Alcohol.
Why this substance is falling from the strangely-discolored sky is still a mystery, as is why the substance is in such concentrated form.
A 107-year-old resident of the local Northside Nursing Home and WWI veteran says that he remembers his great-great-grandfather telling him about a similar phenomenon that occurred during the Civil War.
"I kin remember sittin' on Pawpaw's knee whilst he told me all about it," said Northside resident Homer Bunts. "Peoples was a-runnin' this way an' that, slippin' and fallin' 'cause it would dissolve the ground right from under they feets," he said.
"He seed it hisself way back in the War of Northern Aggression," said Bunts, who added that he never witnessed the phenomenon
hisselfhimself.
Local experts on intermittent DHMO phenomena such as this, sometimes arcanely referred to as "precipitation," say that the substance will continue to fall off and on for the next couple of days, causing life in the Upstate to be seriously disrupted.
Residents have been advised not to venture outside without a device that blocks the substance from directly impacting the skin, consisting of a vertical handle with an umbrella-shaped structure attached at the top. This ingenious design allows DHMO to impact the umbrella-shaped structure directly, then be deflected to the sides before being allowed to fall harmlessly to the ground. Special polymer slip-covers that prevent the chemical from soaking into shoes are also recommended.
Of course, these devices are now in short supply. The Federal Government is investigating reports of price-gouging, as residents have been known to pay up to $34.99 for these umbrella-shaped devices with a popular local college football team's logo imprinted on the upper structure.
Experts say they aren't certain how much longer DHMO will continue to rain down upon Upstate residents, but say that "with any luck, in a couple of days we will be back to normal dry weather."
Posted by: Phoenix | Monday, 21 November 2005 at 09:37 AM
Posted by: Rob | Monday, 21 November 2005 at 12:25 PM